Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Lawak Dewasa
Pada satu hari, Amin disuruh oleh ibunya mengambil mangga di kebun.
Sedang Amin memanjat pokok mangga, tiba tiba dia terlihat kebawah ada sepasang remaja sedang (maaf) making love. Maka berdirilah bulu roma Si Amin. Dia pun bertahan di atas pohon sambil menahan lututnyayang semakin mulai gemetar.Tak lama kemudian didengarnya suara isak tangisan remaja perempuan itu, sambil tersekat-sekat dia bicara.
"Abang macamana kalau saya hamil nanti? Abang kena bertanggung jawab."
Sudahlah, dik, kita serahkan semua ini pada Yang Di Atas," jawab silelaki.
Si Amin terperanjat lalu dia berteriak, "Wah! wah! kamu berdua yang sedap-sedap di bawah, senang-senang nak serahkan semuanya pada aku!
Aku kan cuma tengok saja, usik pun tidak!!"
Monday, January 29, 2007
Lawak Dewasa
Read for fun
A family are gathered round the table for their evening meal when the son turns to his father and asks "Dad how many types of boobies are there?"
Surprised his father answers, "well son there are 3 types.
In a womans 20's her breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's they are like pears, still firm but hanging a bit.
In her 50's they are like onions.
"Onions?" what do you mean, the son asks
The father says "Yes" , when you see them, they make you cry!"
This infuriated the wife and daughter so much that the daughter asked her mother "Mum how many types of willies are there?
"The mother smiles sweetly and replies "well dear, a man goes through 3 phases in his life...
In his 20's, a mans willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, its more like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's its like a Xmas tree."
"A Xmas tree?"the daughter asks.
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration!"
A family are gathered round the table for their evening meal when the son turns to his father and asks "Dad how many types of boobies are there?"
Surprised his father answers, "well son there are 3 types.
In a womans 20's her breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's they are like pears, still firm but hanging a bit.
In her 50's they are like onions.
"Onions?" what do you mean, the son asks
The father says "Yes" , when you see them, they make you cry!"
This infuriated the wife and daughter so much that the daughter asked her mother "Mum how many types of willies are there?
"The mother smiles sweetly and replies "well dear, a man goes through 3 phases in his life...
In his 20's, a mans willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, its more like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's its like a Xmas tree."
"A Xmas tree?"the daughter asks.
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration!"
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Lawak Dewasa
A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students
The teacher asked, "Boy what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office. While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3x3?"
Boy: "9"
Principal: "What is 6x6?"
Boy: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade. "
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?"
The principal and Boy both agree.
Ms Neelam asks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy, after a moment "Legs"!
Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets"!
Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Boy: Coconut
Ms Neelam: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Boy: "Yep"
Ms Neelam: "You stick! Your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do."
Boy: "Tent"
Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy: "Wedding Ring"
Ms Neelam: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Boy: "Nose"
Ms Neelam: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Boy: "Arrow"
Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?" Boy: "Firetruck"
Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand"
Boy: "Fork"
Ms Neelam: "What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after! They're married?"
Boy: "SURNAME"
Ms Neelam: "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"
Boy: "HEART"
mohsin : Kalau Org dewasa jawab, aku tak tahu la jawapannya...
Kenapa mesti selalu fikir ada double meaning?
The teacher asked, "Boy what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office. While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3x3?"
Boy: "9"
Principal: "What is 6x6?"
Boy: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade. "
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?"
The principal and Boy both agree.
Ms Neelam asks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy, after a moment "Legs"!
Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets"!
Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Boy: Coconut
Ms Neelam: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Boy: "Yep"
Ms Neelam: "You stick! Your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do."
Boy: "Tent"
Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy: "Wedding Ring"
Ms Neelam: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Boy: "Nose"
Ms Neelam: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Boy: "Arrow"
Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?" Boy: "Firetruck"
Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand"
Boy: "Fork"
Ms Neelam: "What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after! They're married?"
Boy: "SURNAME"
Ms Neelam: "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"
Boy: "HEART"
mohsin : Kalau Org dewasa jawab, aku tak tahu la jawapannya...
Kenapa mesti selalu fikir ada double meaning?
Lawak Pecah Perut
Name - Annie Wan (Anyone)
Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone!
Who is this? Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well ... Just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the Hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the Hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this Hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone!
Who is this? Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well ... Just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the Hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the Hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this Hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Lawak Hari Ini
1. Kondominium tidak ada kena mengena dengan kondom. Tetapi di kondominium kita boleh dapat banyak kondom terpakai.
2. Aurat dan urat adalah dua benda yang berbeza. Namun begitu, apabila melihat perempuan yang mendedahkan aurat, urat lelaki akan krem di sesetengah kawasan.
3. Kuih tat enak di makan. Tapi apabila kita makan lapan keping kuih tat, kita mungikin dituduh mencarut. Kalau tak percaya, cuba kira satu tat, dua tat, tiga tat, sampai lapan.
4. Laksamana adalah jawatan besar di dalam kesultanan Melayu Melaka. "Laksa kedah" pula adalah contoh jawapan kalau orang tanya kita "laksa mana ni?"
5. Barbeque adalah makanan yang enak. Namun begitu 'babi queue' haram dimakan oleh orang Islam.
6. Sesetangah orang memanggil cili sebagai cabai. Tapi kalau mulut nak kena cabai, cuba la cakap 'c*b*i' kat depan orang tua-tua.
7. Membuat tahu sumbat sungguh meletihkan. Lebih letih lagi kalau orang lain hanya tahu nak sumbat je tahu sumbat dalam mulut.
8. Si Bosia dan Bojan dipandang hina oleh masyarakat. Namun begitu si Boroi yang makan duit rakyat mendapat sanjungan.
9. Bermain bola keranjang memang meletihkan. Bermain di ranjang juga boleh meletihkan.
10. Allahyarham P.Ramlee tak pernah dapat Lesen P sebab baru diperkenalkan. Penyanyi pop yeh yeh L.Ramli mungkin pernah dapat lesen L. Tapi Allahyarham A.Ramlie tak pernah dapat lesen A sebab tak ada.
11. Ramai orang lelaki takut kalau-kalau mati pucuk. Tapi tak takut kalau-kalau mati esok. (Mesej berunsur dakwah)
kuang... kuang... kuang!!!
2. Aurat dan urat adalah dua benda yang berbeza. Namun begitu, apabila melihat perempuan yang mendedahkan aurat, urat lelaki akan krem di sesetengah kawasan.
3. Kuih tat enak di makan. Tapi apabila kita makan lapan keping kuih tat, kita mungikin dituduh mencarut. Kalau tak percaya, cuba kira satu tat, dua tat, tiga tat, sampai lapan.
4. Laksamana adalah jawatan besar di dalam kesultanan Melayu Melaka. "Laksa kedah" pula adalah contoh jawapan kalau orang tanya kita "laksa mana ni?"
5. Barbeque adalah makanan yang enak. Namun begitu 'babi queue' haram dimakan oleh orang Islam.
6. Sesetangah orang memanggil cili sebagai cabai. Tapi kalau mulut nak kena cabai, cuba la cakap 'c*b*i' kat depan orang tua-tua.
7. Membuat tahu sumbat sungguh meletihkan. Lebih letih lagi kalau orang lain hanya tahu nak sumbat je tahu sumbat dalam mulut.
8. Si Bosia dan Bojan dipandang hina oleh masyarakat. Namun begitu si Boroi yang makan duit rakyat mendapat sanjungan.
9. Bermain bola keranjang memang meletihkan. Bermain di ranjang juga boleh meletihkan.
10. Allahyarham P.Ramlee tak pernah dapat Lesen P sebab baru diperkenalkan. Penyanyi pop yeh yeh L.Ramli mungkin pernah dapat lesen L. Tapi Allahyarham A.Ramlie tak pernah dapat lesen A sebab tak ada.
11. Ramai orang lelaki takut kalau-kalau mati pucuk. Tapi tak takut kalau-kalau mati esok. (Mesej berunsur dakwah)
kuang... kuang... kuang!!!
Lawak Educated
Interviewer said, " I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!"
The candidate thought for a while and said, " My choice is one really difficult question."
" Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the interviewer.
Here is your question: " What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depended on the correctness of the answer to that one question.
He thought for a while and said, " It's DAY sir !"
" How?" the interviewer asked.
" Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
Moral : Technical Skill is the mastery of complexity, while Creativity is the mastery of simplicity
The candidate thought for a while and said, " My choice is one really difficult question."
" Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the interviewer.
Here is your question: " What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depended on the correctness of the answer to that one question.
He thought for a while and said, " It's DAY sir !"
" How?" the interviewer asked.
" Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"
Moral : Technical Skill is the mastery of complexity, while Creativity is the mastery of simplicity
Lawak Omputeh (Lagi?)
THE GOOD, BAD AND UGLY
Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good : Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.
Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly : So are you.
Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.
Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.
Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.
Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections.
Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.
Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.
Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good : Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.
Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly : So are you.
Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.
Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.
Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.
Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections.
Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.
Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.
Lawak Lagi
Sakit jiwa
Seorang lelaki sakit mental menganggap dirinya adalah jagung dan terlalu takut dengan ayam. Jika ternampak haiwan itu, dia akan lari lintang pukang kerana menyangka ayam akan memakannya. Akhirnya, lelaki itu dimasukkan ke rumah sakit jiwa. Setelah beberapa bulan, doktor pun melakukan ujian ke atas lelaki itu bagi mengenal pasti apakah dia telah pulih ataupun tidak.
Doktor : Adakah kamu tahu siapa diri kamu sekarang?
Lelaki : Ya doktor.
Doktor : Siapa kamu sebenarnya.
Lelaki : Saya ini manusia doktor.
Doktor : Ya ke? Bukan jagung?
Lelaki : Bukan, saya manusia doktor.
Doktor : Kamu takut dengan ayam?
Lelaki : Tidak doktor.
Doktor : Hmm..bagus. Nampaknya kamu dah sembuh.
Lelaki : Tapi doktor, saya ada satu pertanyaan.
Doktor : Apa dia?
Lelaki : Ayam tahu tak yang saya ni dah berubah jadi manusia.
Doktor : "??$$?? (tak sembuh lagi ni...)"
Banduan yang pintar
Ada seorang Aceh dari kabupaten Pidie, menulis surat ke anaknya yang ada di penjara Nusa Kambangan karena dituduh terlibat GAM (Gerakan Aceh Merdeka).
Bunyinya: "Hasan, bapakmu ini sudah tua, sekarang sedang musim tanam jagung, dan kamu ditahan di penjara pula, siapa yang mau bantu bapak mencangkul kebun jagung ini?"
Hassan, anaknya membalas surat itu beberapa minggu kemudian. "Demi Tuhan, jangan cangkul itu kebun, saya tanam senjata di sana," kata si anak dalam surat itu.
Rupanya surat itu disensor pihak rumah tahanan, maka keesokan harinya setelah si bapak terima surat, datang satu peleton tentara dari kota Medan.
Tanpa banyak bicara mereka segera ke kebun jagung dan sibuk seharian mencangkul tanah di kebun tersebut. Setelah mereka pergi, kembali si bapak tulis surat ke anaknya.
"Hasan, setelah bapak terima suratmu, datang satu peleton tentara mencari senjata di kebun jagung kita, namun tanpa hasil. Apa yang harus bapak lakukan sekarang?"
Si anak kembali membalas surat tersebut, "Sekarang bapak mulai tanam jagung aja, kan udah dicangkul sama tentara, dan jangan lupa ngucapin terima kasih sama mereka."
Pihak rumah tahanan yang menyensor surat ini langsung pengsan.
Mat Punk
Seorang orang tua sedang duduk di kerusi di sebuah taman bunga sambil menikmati udara petang.. Tiba-tiba seorang anak muda bergaya punk duduk di sebelah si atok tersebut...
Rambut anak muda itu dicat kuning dan hijau, sementara rambut-rambut yang berdiri dicat jingga dan ungu. Di sekeliling matanya diwarnakan hitam. Orang tua itu lama menatap si punk tersebut...
Merasa terganggu dengan tatapan orang tua itu.. pemuda punk itu bertanya..
"Eh, pakcik.. kenapa tenung saya macam tu..? apakah dulu waktu muda pakcik tidak pernah buat kerja yang gila-gila?"
Setelah menarik nafas panjang... orang tua itu menjawab.. "Tentu saja pernah. Dulu aku pernah mabuk teruk.. dan ketika mabuk itulah aku merogol seekor burung kakaktua.
Jadi sekarang ini aku keliru... jangan-jangan kamu adalah anakku."
Ayam Panggang
Razak pergi ke sebuah restoran kegemarannya dan memesan ayam panggang seekor.
Beberapa minit kemudian pesanannya sampai... Tapi baru sedang dia nak menikmati makanannya, pelayan yang lain menghampirinya dan berkata:
"Maaf, Encik... Itu sebenarnya pesanan lelaki yang ada di sana itu. Dan ini merupakan stok ayam terakhir yang kami ada... Maaf ya Encik."
Razak menoleh ke arah lelaki yang ditunjuk, ternyata badannya besar dan gagah, lalu berkata,"Kerana terlanjur sudah makan sedikit, jadi ayam ini milik saya.
Lagi pun saya juga membayarnya."
Sementara si pelayan restoran nampak kebingungan, lelaki gagah tadi dengan wajah marah sambil membawa pisau menghampiri Razak.
"Hai budak.. jangan sentuh lagi..!! Apapun yang akan engkau lakukan terhadap ayam itu akan aku lakukan juga terhadap engkau. Kalau kau potong kakinya, aku akan potong kaki engkau. Kalau engkau potong perutnya, aku akan potong juga perutmu. Pendek cerita, apapun yang engkau lakukan, akan aku lakukan juga pada engkau."
Razak terdiam beberapa minit lalu perlahan-lahan Dia mengangkat ayamnya, membawa ke mulutnya dan menjilat bontot ayam tersebut...
Seorang lelaki sakit mental menganggap dirinya adalah jagung dan terlalu takut dengan ayam. Jika ternampak haiwan itu, dia akan lari lintang pukang kerana menyangka ayam akan memakannya. Akhirnya, lelaki itu dimasukkan ke rumah sakit jiwa. Setelah beberapa bulan, doktor pun melakukan ujian ke atas lelaki itu bagi mengenal pasti apakah dia telah pulih ataupun tidak.
Doktor : Adakah kamu tahu siapa diri kamu sekarang?
Lelaki : Ya doktor.
Doktor : Siapa kamu sebenarnya.
Lelaki : Saya ini manusia doktor.
Doktor : Ya ke? Bukan jagung?
Lelaki : Bukan, saya manusia doktor.
Doktor : Kamu takut dengan ayam?
Lelaki : Tidak doktor.
Doktor : Hmm..bagus. Nampaknya kamu dah sembuh.
Lelaki : Tapi doktor, saya ada satu pertanyaan.
Doktor : Apa dia?
Lelaki : Ayam tahu tak yang saya ni dah berubah jadi manusia.
Doktor : "??$$?? (tak sembuh lagi ni...)"
Banduan yang pintar
Ada seorang Aceh dari kabupaten Pidie, menulis surat ke anaknya yang ada di penjara Nusa Kambangan karena dituduh terlibat GAM (Gerakan Aceh Merdeka).
Bunyinya: "Hasan, bapakmu ini sudah tua, sekarang sedang musim tanam jagung, dan kamu ditahan di penjara pula, siapa yang mau bantu bapak mencangkul kebun jagung ini?"
Hassan, anaknya membalas surat itu beberapa minggu kemudian. "Demi Tuhan, jangan cangkul itu kebun, saya tanam senjata di sana," kata si anak dalam surat itu.
Rupanya surat itu disensor pihak rumah tahanan, maka keesokan harinya setelah si bapak terima surat, datang satu peleton tentara dari kota Medan.
Tanpa banyak bicara mereka segera ke kebun jagung dan sibuk seharian mencangkul tanah di kebun tersebut. Setelah mereka pergi, kembali si bapak tulis surat ke anaknya.
"Hasan, setelah bapak terima suratmu, datang satu peleton tentara mencari senjata di kebun jagung kita, namun tanpa hasil. Apa yang harus bapak lakukan sekarang?"
Si anak kembali membalas surat tersebut, "Sekarang bapak mulai tanam jagung aja, kan udah dicangkul sama tentara, dan jangan lupa ngucapin terima kasih sama mereka."
Pihak rumah tahanan yang menyensor surat ini langsung pengsan.
Mat Punk
Seorang orang tua sedang duduk di kerusi di sebuah taman bunga sambil menikmati udara petang.. Tiba-tiba seorang anak muda bergaya punk duduk di sebelah si atok tersebut...
Rambut anak muda itu dicat kuning dan hijau, sementara rambut-rambut yang berdiri dicat jingga dan ungu. Di sekeliling matanya diwarnakan hitam. Orang tua itu lama menatap si punk tersebut...
Merasa terganggu dengan tatapan orang tua itu.. pemuda punk itu bertanya..
"Eh, pakcik.. kenapa tenung saya macam tu..? apakah dulu waktu muda pakcik tidak pernah buat kerja yang gila-gila?"
Setelah menarik nafas panjang... orang tua itu menjawab.. "Tentu saja pernah. Dulu aku pernah mabuk teruk.. dan ketika mabuk itulah aku merogol seekor burung kakaktua.
Jadi sekarang ini aku keliru... jangan-jangan kamu adalah anakku."
Ayam Panggang
Razak pergi ke sebuah restoran kegemarannya dan memesan ayam panggang seekor.
Beberapa minit kemudian pesanannya sampai... Tapi baru sedang dia nak menikmati makanannya, pelayan yang lain menghampirinya dan berkata:
"Maaf, Encik... Itu sebenarnya pesanan lelaki yang ada di sana itu. Dan ini merupakan stok ayam terakhir yang kami ada... Maaf ya Encik."
Razak menoleh ke arah lelaki yang ditunjuk, ternyata badannya besar dan gagah, lalu berkata,"Kerana terlanjur sudah makan sedikit, jadi ayam ini milik saya.
Lagi pun saya juga membayarnya."
Sementara si pelayan restoran nampak kebingungan, lelaki gagah tadi dengan wajah marah sambil membawa pisau menghampiri Razak.
"Hai budak.. jangan sentuh lagi..!! Apapun yang akan engkau lakukan terhadap ayam itu akan aku lakukan juga terhadap engkau. Kalau kau potong kakinya, aku akan potong kaki engkau. Kalau engkau potong perutnya, aku akan potong juga perutmu. Pendek cerita, apapun yang engkau lakukan, akan aku lakukan juga pada engkau."
Razak terdiam beberapa minit lalu perlahan-lahan Dia mengangkat ayamnya, membawa ke mulutnya dan menjilat bontot ayam tersebut...
Pepatah Omputeh Lagi
Some W a c k y Quotes
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it Seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an Hour, and it seems like a minute.
THAT'S Relativity.
- Albert Einstein
The brain is a wonderful organ.
It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not Stop until you meet a beautiful girl .
- Uzair Sait
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones
We must believe in luck.
For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
- Jean Cocturan
It matters not whether you win or lose; what Matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will Remember you when he is In trouble again.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand Wrong answers.
It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it Creative problem solving.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know Where to shop.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, Neither does milk.
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to Shoot them.
Forgive your enemies but remember their names.
The number of people watching you is directly Proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Don't worry that the world ends today, its already Tomorrow in Australia!
So, Keep Smiling!!!
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it Seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an Hour, and it seems like a minute.
THAT'S Relativity.
- Albert Einstein
The brain is a wonderful organ.
It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not Stop until you meet a beautiful girl .
- Uzair Sait
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones
We must believe in luck.
For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
- Jean Cocturan
It matters not whether you win or lose; what Matters is whether I win or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will Remember you when he is In trouble again.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand Wrong answers.
It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it Creative problem solving.
Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know Where to shop.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, Neither does milk.
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to Shoot them.
Forgive your enemies but remember their names.
The number of people watching you is directly Proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Don't worry that the world ends today, its already Tomorrow in Australia!
So, Keep Smiling!!!
Lawak Educated
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh...
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
mohsin : lain ditanya, lain dijawab - kes tak paham soalan la ni
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh...
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
mohsin : lain ditanya, lain dijawab - kes tak paham soalan la ni
Professional Jokes
After every flight, Qantas (Australian Air Service) pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.
The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing. On the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
mohsin : Hadoii.. pecah perut aku!!
The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing. On the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
mohsin : Hadoii.. pecah perut aku!!
Article : Friend & Best Friend
Friend: calls your parents by mr. and mrs.
Best friend: calls your parents dad and mom.
Friend: has never seen you cry
Best friend: has always had the best shoulder to cry on
Friend: never asks for anything to eat or drink
Best friend: opens the fridge and makes herself at home
Friend: asks you to write down your number.
Best friend: they ask you for their number (cuz! they can't remember it)
Friend: borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
Best friend: has a closet full of your stuff
Friend: only knows a few things about you
Best friend: could write a biography on your life story
Friend: will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing
Best friend: will always go with you
Friend: would delete this letter
Best friend: will send this back to me and all of their online buddies
Best friend: calls your parents dad and mom.
Friend: has never seen you cry
Best friend: has always had the best shoulder to cry on
Friend: never asks for anything to eat or drink
Best friend: opens the fridge and makes herself at home
Friend: asks you to write down your number.
Best friend: they ask you for their number (cuz! they can't remember it)
Friend: borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
Best friend: has a closet full of your stuff
Friend: only knows a few things about you
Best friend: could write a biography on your life story
Friend: will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing
Best friend: will always go with you
Friend: would delete this letter
Best friend: will send this back to me and all of their online buddies
Tips Hari Ini
KELEBIHAN GARAM.
BERSIHKAN PASU HIASAN- Jika anda mempunyai pasu hiasan yg berbentuk tirus, pasti susah untukmembersihkan bahagian dlmnya. Caranya mudah saja. Ambil beberapa camca garam kasar, dicampur dgn air (anggaran satu mangkuk besar). Kacau hingga garam agak larut & masukkan ke dlm pasu tadi & goncang perlahan2. Buang air tadi & lihat hasilnya.
JARI MENCENGKAM - Kalau jari kaki atau tangan anda dicengkam, kuku akan terasa bisa. Cuba tepek garam & juga kunyit di bahagian tersebut. Kemudian balut. Esoknya buka & cuci. Ulangi hingga sembuh.
HILANGKAN GETAH BUAH2AN - Utk hilangkan tompok2 getah buah-buahan atau pokok, tumbuk sedikitgaram. Kemudian campurkan dgn sedikit kapur sirih. Lumur pada bahagianpakaian yg bergetah itu. Biarkan ia selama 5 atau 10 minit. Kemudian jirus dgn air suam & cucilah spt biasa.
PUTIHKAN GIGI- Campur sedikit garam halus pada ubat gigi yg hendak anda gosokkan pada gigi setiap pagi. Gigi akan kelihatan putih berseri. Selain itu, ianya juga dpt menghindarkan dpd penyakit gusi & mulut.
TUMIT KAKI PECAH- Jika tumit kaki pecah, ambil garam halus & campurkan dgn air perahan limau kasturi/nipis. Kemudian sapukan larutan tersebut pada bhg tumit yg pecah. Amalkan selalu.
ELAK POKOK DISERANG SEMUT- Biasanya pokok bunga & pokok hiasan lain akan menjadi sasaran semut. Cuba taburkan garam disekeliling batangnya. Dgn cara ini dpt menghindarkan dpd serangan semut tersebut.
ELAK TELUR REBUS PECAH- Sewaktu anda sedang menjerang air rebusan telur, masukkan sedikit garam ke dlmnya. Kemudian masukkan telur berhati2 agar tidak berlaga antara satu sama lain. Insya-Allah telur yg sedang direbus tidak mudah pecah.
MENGATASI JARI PECAH- Untuk mengatasi jari pecah, bancuh sedikit garam bersama santan kelapa. Apabila ia sebati, sapukan pd bahagian jari yg pecah.
MEMBERSIHKAN BUNGA TIRUAN- Masukkkan bunga tiruan ke dlm plastik. Masukkan garam secukupnya. Goncangkan dgn kuat. Anda akan dapati warna garam akan berubah & bunga tiruan nampak berseri. Setelah itu, basuh pula dgn air bersih.
MEMATIKAN IKAN KELI- Caranya mudah, masukkan garam ke dlm bekas ikan keli & biarkan selama beberapa minit. Insya-Allah ikan keli tersebut akan mati.
KUKU KAKI CANTIK- Rendam kaki dgn air suam yg bercampur garam. Biarkan kaki kering dgn sendiri dan sapu minyak zaitun.
Selamat Mencuba
BERSIHKAN PASU HIASAN- Jika anda mempunyai pasu hiasan yg berbentuk tirus, pasti susah untukmembersihkan bahagian dlmnya. Caranya mudah saja. Ambil beberapa camca garam kasar, dicampur dgn air (anggaran satu mangkuk besar). Kacau hingga garam agak larut & masukkan ke dlm pasu tadi & goncang perlahan2. Buang air tadi & lihat hasilnya.
JARI MENCENGKAM - Kalau jari kaki atau tangan anda dicengkam, kuku akan terasa bisa. Cuba tepek garam & juga kunyit di bahagian tersebut. Kemudian balut. Esoknya buka & cuci. Ulangi hingga sembuh.
HILANGKAN GETAH BUAH2AN - Utk hilangkan tompok2 getah buah-buahan atau pokok, tumbuk sedikitgaram. Kemudian campurkan dgn sedikit kapur sirih. Lumur pada bahagianpakaian yg bergetah itu. Biarkan ia selama 5 atau 10 minit. Kemudian jirus dgn air suam & cucilah spt biasa.
PUTIHKAN GIGI- Campur sedikit garam halus pada ubat gigi yg hendak anda gosokkan pada gigi setiap pagi. Gigi akan kelihatan putih berseri. Selain itu, ianya juga dpt menghindarkan dpd penyakit gusi & mulut.
TUMIT KAKI PECAH- Jika tumit kaki pecah, ambil garam halus & campurkan dgn air perahan limau kasturi/nipis. Kemudian sapukan larutan tersebut pada bhg tumit yg pecah. Amalkan selalu.
ELAK POKOK DISERANG SEMUT- Biasanya pokok bunga & pokok hiasan lain akan menjadi sasaran semut. Cuba taburkan garam disekeliling batangnya. Dgn cara ini dpt menghindarkan dpd serangan semut tersebut.
ELAK TELUR REBUS PECAH- Sewaktu anda sedang menjerang air rebusan telur, masukkan sedikit garam ke dlmnya. Kemudian masukkan telur berhati2 agar tidak berlaga antara satu sama lain. Insya-Allah telur yg sedang direbus tidak mudah pecah.
MENGATASI JARI PECAH- Untuk mengatasi jari pecah, bancuh sedikit garam bersama santan kelapa. Apabila ia sebati, sapukan pd bahagian jari yg pecah.
MEMBERSIHKAN BUNGA TIRUAN- Masukkkan bunga tiruan ke dlm plastik. Masukkan garam secukupnya. Goncangkan dgn kuat. Anda akan dapati warna garam akan berubah & bunga tiruan nampak berseri. Setelah itu, basuh pula dgn air bersih.
MEMATIKAN IKAN KELI- Caranya mudah, masukkan garam ke dlm bekas ikan keli & biarkan selama beberapa minit. Insya-Allah ikan keli tersebut akan mati.
KUKU KAKI CANTIK- Rendam kaki dgn air suam yg bercampur garam. Biarkan kaki kering dgn sendiri dan sapu minyak zaitun.
Selamat Mencuba
Lawak Omputeh Lagi
The Whole Story
Little Georgie watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Georgie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother,
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane ...
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Georgie, this is such an interesting story,suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Georgie to tell his story. Georgie started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Little Georgie watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Georgie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother,
"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane ...
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Georgie, this is such an interesting story,suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Georgie to tell his story. Georgie started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Lawak : Pepatah omputeh
Marriage Experiences
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
~ Milton Berle
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
Electronic banking. It's called marriage."
~ James Holt McGavran
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must
Be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
~ David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
Him keep her.
~ Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
Can't face each other, but still they stay together.
~ Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
Get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~ Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
~ Dumas
The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is,
"What does a woman want?
~ Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
~ Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
To a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
Music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
~ Henry Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
~ Sam Kinison
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the
Second one didn't."
~ Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong,
Admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
~ Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
It once... - Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
~ Rodney Dangerfield
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
~ Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
Received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
Have mine." - Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky,
mine's still alive." - Anonymous
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
~ Milton Berle
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
Electronic banking. It's called marriage."
~ James Holt McGavran
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must
Be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
~ David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
Him keep her.
~ Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
Can't face each other, but still they stay together.
~ Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you
Get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~ Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
~ Dumas
The great question... Which I have not been able to answer... Is,
"What does a woman want?
~ Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
~ Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go
To a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft
Music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
~ Henry Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
~ Sam Kinison
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the
Second one didn't."
~ Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong,
Admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
~ Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
It once... - Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
~ Rodney Dangerfield
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
~ Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
Received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
Have mine." - Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky,
mine's still alive." - Anonymous
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Adakah Cinta Memerlukan Sebab?
Dalam satu kisah percintaan yang menarik.
Sepasang suami isteri berjalan di tepi sebuah tasik yang indah.
Kemudian mereka berhenti di sebuah bangku yang disediakan di tepi tasik.
Kemudian si isteri bertanya kepada si suami. Ini adalah dialog mereka
Isteri : Mengapa abang menyukai saya? Mengapa abang cintakan saya?
Suami : Abang tidak boleh menerangkan sebabnya,
namun begitu abang memang menyayangi dan mencintai Sayang!
Isteri : Abang tak boleh terangkan sebabnya?
Bagaimana abang boleh katakan abang sayang dan cintakan saya sedangkan abang tidak boleh menerangkannya.
Suami : Betul! Abang tak tahu sebabnya tetapi abang boleh buktikan bahawa abang memang cintakan Sayang!
Isteri : Tak boleh beri bukti! Tidak! Saya hendak abang terangkan kepada saya sebabnya. Kawan-kawan saya yang lain yang mempunyai suami dan teman lelaki, dan mereka mempunyai sebabnya. Namun begitu kenapa abang tidak boleh terangkan sebabnya kepada sayang?
Si suami menarik nafas panjang dan dia berkata "Baiklah! Abang mencintai Sayang sebab sayang cantik, mempunyai suara yang merdu, penyayang dan mengingati abang selalu.
Abang juga sukakan senyuman manis dan setiap tapak Sayang melangkah, di situlah cinta Abang bersama Sayang!"
Si isteri tersenyum dan berpuas hati dengan penerangan suaminya tadi.
Namun begitu selang beberapa hari si isteri mengalami kemalangan dan koma. Si suami amat bersedih dan menulis sepucuk surat kepada isterinya yang disayangi. Surat itu diletakkan di sebelah katil isterinya di hospital.
Surat tersebut berbunyi begini :
"Sayang! Jika disebabkan suara aku mencintai mu... sekarang bolehkah engkau bersuara? Tidak! Oleh itu aku tidak boleh mencintai mu.
Jika disebabkan kasih sayang dan ingatan aku mencintai mu... sekarang bolehkah engkau menunjukkannya?
Tidak! Oleh itu aku tidak boleh mencintai mu.
Jika disebabkan senyuman aku mencintai mu... sekarang bolehkah engkau tersenyum?
Tidak! Oleh itu aku tidak boleh mencintai mu.
Jika disebabkan setiap langkah aku mencintai mu.... sekarang bolehkah engkau melangkah? Tidak! Oleh itu aku tidak boleh mencintai mu.
Jika cinta memerlukan sebabnya, seperti sekarang.
Aku tidak mempunyai sebab mencintai mu lagi.
Adakah cinta memerlukan sebab? Tidak!
Aku masih mencintai mu dulu, kini, selamanya dan cinta tidak perlu ada sebab.
Kadangkala perkara tercantik dan terbaik di dunia tidak boleh dilihat, dipegang.
Namun begitu... ia boleh dirasai dalam hati."
Sepasang suami isteri berjalan di tepi sebuah tasik yang indah.
Kemudian mereka berhenti di sebuah bangku yang disediakan di tepi tasik.
Kemudian si isteri bertanya kepada si suami. Ini adalah dialog mereka
Isteri : Mengapa abang menyukai saya? Mengapa abang cintakan saya?
Suami : Abang tidak boleh menerangkan sebabnya,
namun begitu abang memang menyayangi dan mencintai Sayang!
Isteri : Abang tak boleh terangkan sebabnya?
Bagaimana abang boleh katakan abang sayang dan cintakan saya sedangkan abang tidak boleh menerangkannya.
Suami : Betul! Abang tak tahu sebabnya tetapi abang boleh buktikan bahawa abang memang cintakan Sayang!
Isteri : Tak boleh beri bukti! Tidak! Saya hendak abang terangkan kepada saya sebabnya. Kawan-kawan saya yang lain yang mempunyai suami dan teman lelaki, dan mereka mempunyai sebabnya. Namun begitu kenapa abang tidak boleh terangkan sebabnya kepada sayang?
Si suami menarik nafas panjang dan dia berkata "Baiklah! Abang mencintai Sayang sebab sayang cantik, mempunyai suara yang merdu, penyayang dan mengingati abang selalu.
Abang juga sukakan senyuman manis dan setiap tapak Sayang melangkah, di situlah cinta Abang bersama Sayang!"
Si isteri tersenyum dan berpuas hati dengan penerangan suaminya tadi.
Namun begitu selang beberapa hari si isteri mengalami kemalangan dan koma. Si suami amat bersedih dan menulis sepucuk surat kepada isterinya yang disayangi. Surat itu diletakkan di sebelah katil isterinya di hospital.
Surat tersebut berbunyi begini :
"Sayang! Jika disebabkan suara aku mencintai mu... sekarang bolehkah engkau bersuara? Tidak! Oleh itu aku tidak boleh mencintai mu.
Jika disebabkan kasih sayang dan ingatan aku mencintai mu... sekarang bolehkah engkau menunjukkannya?
Tidak! Oleh itu aku tidak boleh mencintai mu.
Jika disebabkan senyuman aku mencintai mu... sekarang bolehkah engkau tersenyum?
Tidak! Oleh itu aku tidak boleh mencintai mu.
Jika disebabkan setiap langkah aku mencintai mu.... sekarang bolehkah engkau melangkah? Tidak! Oleh itu aku tidak boleh mencintai mu.
Jika cinta memerlukan sebabnya, seperti sekarang.
Aku tidak mempunyai sebab mencintai mu lagi.
Adakah cinta memerlukan sebab? Tidak!
Aku masih mencintai mu dulu, kini, selamanya dan cinta tidak perlu ada sebab.
Kadangkala perkara tercantik dan terbaik di dunia tidak boleh dilihat, dipegang.
Namun begitu... ia boleh dirasai dalam hati."
Lawak Politik Ayam Malaysia
Why Did the Chicken Cross The Road?
What they have to say.
Kindergarten teacher: Because it wanted to look for food on the other side.
Sami Vellu: kita sude bikin banyak jembatan, itu ayam musti guna jembatan untuk lintas itu jalan lagi pun kalu itu ayam mau pigi jalan-jalan, beritau sama saya juga, saya bolley buat lebbey banyak toll... itu jambatan mesti ada tahan 100 tahun. Lain kali bole kasi tutup... kita bole survey mana ada rosak.
Karam Sen Walia (TV13): Seperti yang saudara dapat lihat, kelihatan ayam-ayam itu sedang melintas jalan. Mereka bukan sahaja melintas jalan, malah membuang najis di atas jalan dan ini adalah pencemaran yang paling hebat di maya ini. Bapa-bapa dan ibu-ibu ayam haruslah mengambil inisiatif untuk melatih ayam-ayam agar menahan najis sewaktu melintas jalan, sekian saya sudahi dengan...
Ayam di jalan di lintaskan, Ayam di reban mati tak makan.
Wang Kamarudin (Edisi Siasat NTV17): Ape kejadahnyer ini semua, KL dah jadik reban ayam, mak bapak ayam asyik menganga saje. Ayam semua dah besar kepala, ...dan dah tak nak duduk reban... dan bertambah biadap dan buat perkara yg tak masuk dek akal!
Zainal Ariffin Ismaili (TV13 - Kisah Seram & Misteri): Ada saksi menyatakan yang mereka dapat melihat ayam-ayam ini melintasi jalan-jalan di kampung ini pada waktu malam. Ada yang menyatakan ayam-ayam ini merupakan penyamaran jin. Dan ada juga mengaitkan ia berkaitan dengan peristiwa silam di kampung ini. Apakah sebenarnya maksud tersirat ayam-ayam ini melintas jalan?
Oleh itu saya akhiri, "Jangan biarkan hidup anda diselubungi misteri..."
Zainal sAlam Kadir (Wayang Kita-kita Estro): "Ayam siapa kalau bukan ayam kita..."
Sisters in Islamic (Society) : We abhor the thoughts of the rooster enslaving the hen, that is why female chicken must be brave and know their rights before they cross the road, ...and some cross to escape the master/slave marriage... but this Taliban minded syaria court is no help to the grieving hens... all chicken hens should not vote for IFL!
Abdul Fatah Haron(PASu Rantau Panjang): Ayam-ayam yg melintas ini semua adalah kerana mereka ayam-ayam yang GATAL..
Md. Said Yusof (BM Jasin): Apa salah nya... biarkan mereka lintas... tutup sebelah mata ajelah... ayam-ayam tu terlebih besar sikit sahaja. Lagi pun semua nya itu ayam saya.
Shahrir Abdel Samad (ex Pengerusi BBCd): Ini adalah prinsip saya. Ayam-ayam tak boleh dibenarkan melintas jalan. Kalau beginilah, maka ia nya bertentangan dgn prinsip saya, maka saya RESIGN.
Billy Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office Vista 2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Microsoft will pledge a billion for research on chicken AIDS.
Dan Brown: (That Vinci's Code author) The chicken used to a member of a secret society Poultry of Sion. The Opus Dei chickens are on its back because of the missing parshments of Les Dossiers Secrets. And they (Opus Dei) are known for their 'corporal mortification' practice.
Dr M&m: You know, I am tired of all this... 'apa-nama' chicken-chicken bisnes... you know that it is our right to build the bridge on our side of the straits... so why are we chicken out?
Pak doLah:Ini semua adalah khabar angin sahaja... jangan percaya khabar - khabar angin ini semua... biasalah ini adalah taktik pembangkang untuk memecah belahkan perpaduan ayam-ayam semua... jangan percaya... we've decided to scrap the scenic bridge for the best interest of the people...nothing to do with chicken. And of course others have the right to express their opinion... ini biasalah.
What they have to say.
Kindergarten teacher: Because it wanted to look for food on the other side.
Sami Vellu: kita sude bikin banyak jembatan, itu ayam musti guna jembatan untuk lintas itu jalan lagi pun kalu itu ayam mau pigi jalan-jalan, beritau sama saya juga, saya bolley buat lebbey banyak toll... itu jambatan mesti ada tahan 100 tahun. Lain kali bole kasi tutup... kita bole survey mana ada rosak.
Karam Sen Walia (TV13): Seperti yang saudara dapat lihat, kelihatan ayam-ayam itu sedang melintas jalan. Mereka bukan sahaja melintas jalan, malah membuang najis di atas jalan dan ini adalah pencemaran yang paling hebat di maya ini. Bapa-bapa dan ibu-ibu ayam haruslah mengambil inisiatif untuk melatih ayam-ayam agar menahan najis sewaktu melintas jalan, sekian saya sudahi dengan...
Ayam di jalan di lintaskan, Ayam di reban mati tak makan.
Wang Kamarudin (Edisi Siasat NTV17): Ape kejadahnyer ini semua, KL dah jadik reban ayam, mak bapak ayam asyik menganga saje. Ayam semua dah besar kepala, ...dan dah tak nak duduk reban... dan bertambah biadap dan buat perkara yg tak masuk dek akal!
Zainal Ariffin Ismaili (TV13 - Kisah Seram & Misteri): Ada saksi menyatakan yang mereka dapat melihat ayam-ayam ini melintasi jalan-jalan di kampung ini pada waktu malam. Ada yang menyatakan ayam-ayam ini merupakan penyamaran jin. Dan ada juga mengaitkan ia berkaitan dengan peristiwa silam di kampung ini. Apakah sebenarnya maksud tersirat ayam-ayam ini melintas jalan?
Oleh itu saya akhiri, "Jangan biarkan hidup anda diselubungi misteri..."
Zainal sAlam Kadir (Wayang Kita-kita Estro): "Ayam siapa kalau bukan ayam kita..."
Sisters in Islamic (Society) : We abhor the thoughts of the rooster enslaving the hen, that is why female chicken must be brave and know their rights before they cross the road, ...and some cross to escape the master/slave marriage... but this Taliban minded syaria court is no help to the grieving hens... all chicken hens should not vote for IFL!
Abdul Fatah Haron(PASu Rantau Panjang): Ayam-ayam yg melintas ini semua adalah kerana mereka ayam-ayam yang GATAL..
Md. Said Yusof (BM Jasin): Apa salah nya... biarkan mereka lintas... tutup sebelah mata ajelah... ayam-ayam tu terlebih besar sikit sahaja. Lagi pun semua nya itu ayam saya.
Shahrir Abdel Samad (ex Pengerusi BBCd): Ini adalah prinsip saya. Ayam-ayam tak boleh dibenarkan melintas jalan. Kalau beginilah, maka ia nya bertentangan dgn prinsip saya, maka saya RESIGN.
Billy Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office Vista 2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Microsoft will pledge a billion for research on chicken AIDS.
Dan Brown: (That Vinci's Code author) The chicken used to a member of a secret society Poultry of Sion. The Opus Dei chickens are on its back because of the missing parshments of Les Dossiers Secrets. And they (Opus Dei) are known for their 'corporal mortification' practice.
Dr M&m: You know, I am tired of all this... 'apa-nama' chicken-chicken bisnes... you know that it is our right to build the bridge on our side of the straits... so why are we chicken out?
Pak doLah:Ini semua adalah khabar angin sahaja... jangan percaya khabar - khabar angin ini semua... biasalah ini adalah taktik pembangkang untuk memecah belahkan perpaduan ayam-ayam semua... jangan percaya... we've decided to scrap the scenic bridge for the best interest of the people...nothing to do with chicken. And of course others have the right to express their opinion... ini biasalah.
Lawak Hari Ini
Berapa Umur Saya??
Seorang perempuan baru saja menjalani rawatan wajah sempena hari jadinyer. Wanita tu dah pun membelanjakan lebih kurang RM5,000.00 dan berasa sangat puas hati. Dalam perjalanan balik rumah selepas menjalani rawatan tu, dia singgah sekejap kat sebuah kedai mamak untuk beli surat khabar. Semasa membayar duit surat khabar tu, dier pun bertanya kat mamak tuan punyer kedai tu. "Mamak, buleh tanya tak?? awak agak-agak berapa umur saya sekarang ni??" tanya wanita tu. "Lebih kurang 30 tahun", mamak tu menjawab. "Takde lah, sebenarnya saya dah 50 tahun." jawab wanita itu riang kerana orang menyangkanya lebih muda dengan wajah barunyer itu.
Tak lama kemudian, dia singgah pulak kat McDonalds. Semasa mengorder burger tu, wanita tu pun mencelah dan bertanya pada awek yang jaga kaunter tu soalan yang sama macam dia tanya kat mamak tadi. Awek tu pun menjawab, "Entah la, rasanyer dalam 29 tahun".
Wanita tu pun menjawab, "Takde la dik, Akak dah 50 tahun dah nieh."
Wanita tu bertambah-tambah la happy, dan sambung perjalanan balik ke rumah. Semasa menunggu bas, wanita tu duduk bersebelahan dengan seorang pakcik tua kat satu Bus Stop kat KL tu. Sebab boring tunggu bas lambat sangat, wanita tu pun bertanya kepada pakcik tu soalan yang sama.
Pakcik tu pun menjawab, "Pakcik dah tua dah. Umur pun dah 75 tahun. Mata pakcik dah kabur dah, tapi pakcik boleh tau berapa umur seseorang wanita tu dengan satu cara. Dulu masa muda-muda dulu pakcik ader belajar." "Macam mana caranya??", tanya wanita itu pula ingin tau. "Pakcik kena rasa dan kaji bahagian sulit wanita tu, baru pakcik buleh bagi tau dengan tepat".
Mereka berdua diam seketika. Wanita itu pula rasa ingin tau sangat-sangat apa cara yang digunakan oleh orang tua tu. Akhirnya wanita itu berkata. "Ahh... tak kisah la pakcik, pakcik buleh rasa bahagian sulit saya, saya nak tau macam mana pakcik buleh tau umur saya".
"Baik ler"' kata pakcik tua tu.
Mereka berdua pun pergi kat bahagian belakang bangunan di mana takde orang. Kemudian pakcik tua tu pun menarik ke bawah seluar dalam wanita tersebut dan start le meraba alat sulit wanita tersebut. Selepas beberapa minit, wanita tu pun berkata. "Okay! Okay! cukup tu pakcik, sekarang saya nak pakcik bagi tau berapa umur saya."
Pakcik tu pun berhenti meraba dan menjawab, "Umur awak dah 50 tahun."
Mendengar jawapan pakcik tu, maka terkejut beruk le wanita tu.
"Fuiyooo... macam magic jer, macam mana pakcik buleh tau??", tanya wanita tersebut. Pakcik tua tu pun dengan tersenyum lebar menjawab,
"Pakcik beratur belakang awak tadi kat McDonalds, heheheheh".
Seorang perempuan baru saja menjalani rawatan wajah sempena hari jadinyer. Wanita tu dah pun membelanjakan lebih kurang RM5,000.00 dan berasa sangat puas hati. Dalam perjalanan balik rumah selepas menjalani rawatan tu, dia singgah sekejap kat sebuah kedai mamak untuk beli surat khabar. Semasa membayar duit surat khabar tu, dier pun bertanya kat mamak tuan punyer kedai tu. "Mamak, buleh tanya tak?? awak agak-agak berapa umur saya sekarang ni??" tanya wanita tu. "Lebih kurang 30 tahun", mamak tu menjawab. "Takde lah, sebenarnya saya dah 50 tahun." jawab wanita itu riang kerana orang menyangkanya lebih muda dengan wajah barunyer itu.
Tak lama kemudian, dia singgah pulak kat McDonalds. Semasa mengorder burger tu, wanita tu pun mencelah dan bertanya pada awek yang jaga kaunter tu soalan yang sama macam dia tanya kat mamak tadi. Awek tu pun menjawab, "Entah la, rasanyer dalam 29 tahun".
Wanita tu pun menjawab, "Takde la dik, Akak dah 50 tahun dah nieh."
Wanita tu bertambah-tambah la happy, dan sambung perjalanan balik ke rumah. Semasa menunggu bas, wanita tu duduk bersebelahan dengan seorang pakcik tua kat satu Bus Stop kat KL tu. Sebab boring tunggu bas lambat sangat, wanita tu pun bertanya kepada pakcik tu soalan yang sama.
Pakcik tu pun menjawab, "Pakcik dah tua dah. Umur pun dah 75 tahun. Mata pakcik dah kabur dah, tapi pakcik boleh tau berapa umur seseorang wanita tu dengan satu cara. Dulu masa muda-muda dulu pakcik ader belajar." "Macam mana caranya??", tanya wanita itu pula ingin tau. "Pakcik kena rasa dan kaji bahagian sulit wanita tu, baru pakcik buleh bagi tau dengan tepat".
Mereka berdua diam seketika. Wanita itu pula rasa ingin tau sangat-sangat apa cara yang digunakan oleh orang tua tu. Akhirnya wanita itu berkata. "Ahh... tak kisah la pakcik, pakcik buleh rasa bahagian sulit saya, saya nak tau macam mana pakcik buleh tau umur saya".
"Baik ler"' kata pakcik tua tu.
Mereka berdua pun pergi kat bahagian belakang bangunan di mana takde orang. Kemudian pakcik tua tu pun menarik ke bawah seluar dalam wanita tersebut dan start le meraba alat sulit wanita tersebut. Selepas beberapa minit, wanita tu pun berkata. "Okay! Okay! cukup tu pakcik, sekarang saya nak pakcik bagi tau berapa umur saya."
Pakcik tu pun berhenti meraba dan menjawab, "Umur awak dah 50 tahun."
Mendengar jawapan pakcik tu, maka terkejut beruk le wanita tu.
"Fuiyooo... macam magic jer, macam mana pakcik buleh tau??", tanya wanita tersebut. Pakcik tua tu pun dengan tersenyum lebar menjawab,
"Pakcik beratur belakang awak tadi kat McDonalds, heheheheh".
Lawak Omputih
WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !
HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.
HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE : Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.
HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?
HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.
HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.
HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be empty too if you sit down.
HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.
HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.
HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.
HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
FORWARD TO WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS
(and men who may appreciate good humor! Muhahaha!!)
HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.
HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE : Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.
HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?
HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?
HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.
HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.
HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be empty too if you sit down.
HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.
HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.
HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.
HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
FORWARD TO WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS
(and men who may appreciate good humor! Muhahaha!!)
Lawak Hari Ini
Lawak Dalam Inbox Aku...
Lawak Psikologi
Leman bertanya kepada bapanya...
Leman: pak, betul ke make love tu best?
Bapak: ha ah, samalah best macam kamu korek hidung kamu!
Leman: A aah !! tapi betul ke org pompuan lagi rasa best?
Bapak: kalo kamu korek hidung,
hidung kamu ke jari kamu yang rasa best?
Leman: Hehehe... mestilah hidung,
tapi kenapa org pompuan tak suka diperkosa?
Bapak: kalo kamu jalan2, tetiba ada org nak korek hidung kamu... kamu suka tak?!
Leman: Hehe.. mana buleh camtu, pak...
tapi betul ke tak boleh buat tu masa datang bulan?
Bapak: kalo hidung kamu berdarah, kamu nak korek jugak ke?!
Leman: kenapa org lelaki tak suka buat tu pakai kondom?
Bapak: kamu suka tak masa korek hidung pakai sarung tangan?!
Leman: waaahhh... bapak ni pandailah!
Bapak : Muhahaha!!
LEMAN DAN SEORANG PAKCIK
Leman dlm perjalanan keretapi, duduk bersebelahan dengan seorang pakcik. Leman bertanya kat pakcik tu...
Leman: pakcik, sekarang pukul berapa?
pakcik tu tak jawab, Leman tanya lagi.
Leman: pakcik, sekarang pukul berapa?
pakcik tu buat donno, Leman tak putus asa bertanya.
Leman: pakcik, sekarang pukul berapa?
pakcik tu tetap membisu, Leman bengang dan tanya kuat sikit!
Leman: pakcik, pukul berapa sekarang?!!
pakcik tu renung Leman dengan tajam.
pakcik: aku taknak jawab soalan ko...
pasal kalo aku jawab kita akan berkenalan.
pastu kita berbual-bual dan jadik akrab. kat stesyen keretapi tu isteri aku tgh tunggu. terpaksa plak aku kenalkan ko ngan isteri aku yg peramah sangat2 tu. pastu dah sure isteri aku akan ajak ko datang ke rumah. kat rumah aku pulak ada anak dara yang cantik macam nasya aziz tu.
bila ko datang mesti ko berkenalan ngan dia pastu ko akan bercinta pulak ngan anak dara aku tu. bila dah berchenta ko mesti satu hari akan mintak ngan aku untuk berkahwin ngan anak dara aku tu.
Masalahnya aku tak nak terima menantu yang
JAM TANGAN PUN TAK MAMPU NAK BELI!!!
BIHUN VS MEE
bihun sangat cemburukan mee. walau duduk di rak bersebelahan di supermarket,
mereka tak pernah bertegur sapa. malah bihun sering mempersendakan mee di depan umum, "dasar si kuning gemuk...
ingat orang suka sangat kat dialah tu!"
hari2 berlalu...
namun mee buat derk aje dengan segala kerenah dan hinaan bihun.
sehinggalah pada satu hari pekerja supermarket mengalih rak mee ke tempat lain. bihun gembira kerana tidak lagi melihat musuh tradisinya.
hari berikutnya rak baru diletakkan di sebelah bihun, rak spaghetti.
bihun rasa marah dah berteriak:
"hoi, si kuning gemuk!
jangan fikir ko buat teknik rebonding camtu aku tak kenal ko!!!"
TOLONG ENCIK POLIS!
seorang perempuan menelifon balai polis.
perempuan: tolong encik, saya diperkosa tiga orang yang tak dikenali!
polis: jangan panik, cik! bagi alamat dan kami akan sampai dlm 10 minit!
perempuan: mmm... datang dua jam lagi boleh, encik?
baru selesai sorang... dua lagi belum!"
MABUK
Muthu & Samy (dua2 bukan nama sebenar) mabuk2, baru balik dari clubbing dan singgah untuk tido kat rumah jayman. sampai ruang tamu Muthu bercerita...
Muthu: hah... tu sofa yang baru aku beli, tv 29 inci tu pun aku punya
aku selalu karaoke ngan isteriku kat situ, piano tu plak aku selalu mainkan lagu untuk isteriku...
Muthu buka pintu bilik tido di sebelah ruang tamunya...
Muthu: tengok tu, pompuan cantik yg sedang tido atas katil tu isteri aku.
lelaki yang sedang tido peluk dia kat sebelah tu pulak? tanya Samy
Muthu :sapa lagi kalo bukan aku...
KONDOM
Leman (bukan nama sebenar) dan isterinya baru saja kahwin dan merancang tak mau dapat anak dlm masa terdekat ni. jadiknya Leman ambik keputusan untuk beli kondom. sampai di kedai cuma kondom warna hitam dan belang2 saja yang murah. kondom warna putih mahal dan Leman pulak tak bawak cukup duit untuk belinya. jadik Leman beli kondom hitam.
lepas setahun rupanya kondom yg Leman beli tu bocor dan isterinya melahirkan seorang anak. sayangnya anak yg dilahirkan agak gelap kulitnya. isterinya sedih pasal anak mereka hitam. jayman: nasib baik saye beli kondom hitam dulu, yang!
kalo saye beli yg belang2 ntah camana rupa anak kita nih!
NYAMUK
Leman (Lagi?) dan Mat pergi berkhemah dlm hutan. mereka memasang unggun api dan banyak nyamuk datang menggigit mereka. waktu nak tido mereka padamkan unggun api. Lalu banyaklah pulak kunang2 berkeliaran dan nyamuk masih lagi menggigit mereka.
Leman: hebat sungguh nyamuk2 kat hutan nih!
Mat: hebat apanya?
Leman: kita pasang unggun api pun dia datang gigit, kita padamkan unggun api... dia bawak lampu datang gigit kita!!
Lawak Psikologi
Leman bertanya kepada bapanya...
Leman: pak, betul ke make love tu best?
Bapak: ha ah, samalah best macam kamu korek hidung kamu!
Leman: A aah !! tapi betul ke org pompuan lagi rasa best?
Bapak: kalo kamu korek hidung,
hidung kamu ke jari kamu yang rasa best?
Leman: Hehehe... mestilah hidung,
tapi kenapa org pompuan tak suka diperkosa?
Bapak: kalo kamu jalan2, tetiba ada org nak korek hidung kamu... kamu suka tak?!
Leman: Hehe.. mana buleh camtu, pak...
tapi betul ke tak boleh buat tu masa datang bulan?
Bapak: kalo hidung kamu berdarah, kamu nak korek jugak ke?!
Leman: kenapa org lelaki tak suka buat tu pakai kondom?
Bapak: kamu suka tak masa korek hidung pakai sarung tangan?!
Leman: waaahhh... bapak ni pandailah!
Bapak : Muhahaha!!
LEMAN DAN SEORANG PAKCIK
Leman dlm perjalanan keretapi, duduk bersebelahan dengan seorang pakcik. Leman bertanya kat pakcik tu...
Leman: pakcik, sekarang pukul berapa?
pakcik tu tak jawab, Leman tanya lagi.
Leman: pakcik, sekarang pukul berapa?
pakcik tu buat donno, Leman tak putus asa bertanya.
Leman: pakcik, sekarang pukul berapa?
pakcik tu tetap membisu, Leman bengang dan tanya kuat sikit!
Leman: pakcik, pukul berapa sekarang?!!
pakcik tu renung Leman dengan tajam.
pakcik: aku taknak jawab soalan ko...
pasal kalo aku jawab kita akan berkenalan.
pastu kita berbual-bual dan jadik akrab. kat stesyen keretapi tu isteri aku tgh tunggu. terpaksa plak aku kenalkan ko ngan isteri aku yg peramah sangat2 tu. pastu dah sure isteri aku akan ajak ko datang ke rumah. kat rumah aku pulak ada anak dara yang cantik macam nasya aziz tu.
bila ko datang mesti ko berkenalan ngan dia pastu ko akan bercinta pulak ngan anak dara aku tu. bila dah berchenta ko mesti satu hari akan mintak ngan aku untuk berkahwin ngan anak dara aku tu.
Masalahnya aku tak nak terima menantu yang
JAM TANGAN PUN TAK MAMPU NAK BELI!!!
BIHUN VS MEE
bihun sangat cemburukan mee. walau duduk di rak bersebelahan di supermarket,
mereka tak pernah bertegur sapa. malah bihun sering mempersendakan mee di depan umum, "dasar si kuning gemuk...
ingat orang suka sangat kat dialah tu!"
hari2 berlalu...
namun mee buat derk aje dengan segala kerenah dan hinaan bihun.
sehinggalah pada satu hari pekerja supermarket mengalih rak mee ke tempat lain. bihun gembira kerana tidak lagi melihat musuh tradisinya.
hari berikutnya rak baru diletakkan di sebelah bihun, rak spaghetti.
bihun rasa marah dah berteriak:
"hoi, si kuning gemuk!
jangan fikir ko buat teknik rebonding camtu aku tak kenal ko!!!"
TOLONG ENCIK POLIS!
seorang perempuan menelifon balai polis.
perempuan: tolong encik, saya diperkosa tiga orang yang tak dikenali!
polis: jangan panik, cik! bagi alamat dan kami akan sampai dlm 10 minit!
perempuan: mmm... datang dua jam lagi boleh, encik?
baru selesai sorang... dua lagi belum!"
MABUK
Muthu & Samy (dua2 bukan nama sebenar) mabuk2, baru balik dari clubbing dan singgah untuk tido kat rumah jayman. sampai ruang tamu Muthu bercerita...
Muthu: hah... tu sofa yang baru aku beli, tv 29 inci tu pun aku punya
aku selalu karaoke ngan isteriku kat situ, piano tu plak aku selalu mainkan lagu untuk isteriku...
Muthu buka pintu bilik tido di sebelah ruang tamunya...
Muthu: tengok tu, pompuan cantik yg sedang tido atas katil tu isteri aku.
lelaki yang sedang tido peluk dia kat sebelah tu pulak? tanya Samy
Muthu :sapa lagi kalo bukan aku...
KONDOM
Leman (bukan nama sebenar) dan isterinya baru saja kahwin dan merancang tak mau dapat anak dlm masa terdekat ni. jadiknya Leman ambik keputusan untuk beli kondom. sampai di kedai cuma kondom warna hitam dan belang2 saja yang murah. kondom warna putih mahal dan Leman pulak tak bawak cukup duit untuk belinya. jadik Leman beli kondom hitam.
lepas setahun rupanya kondom yg Leman beli tu bocor dan isterinya melahirkan seorang anak. sayangnya anak yg dilahirkan agak gelap kulitnya. isterinya sedih pasal anak mereka hitam. jayman: nasib baik saye beli kondom hitam dulu, yang!
kalo saye beli yg belang2 ntah camana rupa anak kita nih!
NYAMUK
Leman (Lagi?) dan Mat pergi berkhemah dlm hutan. mereka memasang unggun api dan banyak nyamuk datang menggigit mereka. waktu nak tido mereka padamkan unggun api. Lalu banyaklah pulak kunang2 berkeliaran dan nyamuk masih lagi menggigit mereka.
Leman: hebat sungguh nyamuk2 kat hutan nih!
Mat: hebat apanya?
Leman: kita pasang unggun api pun dia datang gigit, kita padamkan unggun api... dia bawak lampu datang gigit kita!!
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Lawak Hari Ini
*Subject: **No sex since 1957*
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, **"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."*
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should li ghten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
"1957, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1957! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1957!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it' s only 2130 now."
That military clock is so darned handy !
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, **"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."*
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should li ghten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
"1957, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1957! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1957!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it' s only 2130 now."
That military clock is so darned handy !
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Tips Hari Ini
Subject: How to look busy.
Being busy with work and looking like it are two different things.
Master the art of looking busy. Read on...
how to look busy
Never walk without a document
People with documents look hardworking.
Those with nothing in their hands look like they're going to the cafeteria.
how to look busy
Carry loads of stuff home with you at night to show that you work longer hours than you really do.
how to look busy
If your boss catches you doing nothing official on the computer...
your best defense is to claim you're learning a new software to save money.
how to look busy
Messy desk
Build huge piles of documents around your workspace,
only top management can get away with a clean desk.
how to look busy
Screen all your calls through voice mail
If somebody leaves a message for pending work,
respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there.
how to look busy
Look impatient & annoyed to give the impression that you're always busy.
how to look busy
Always leave the office late,
especially when the boss is still around.
Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out.
how to look busy
Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm , 7:05am , etc.)
& during public holidays.
how to look busy
Creative sighing for effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around,
giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
how to look busy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table.
Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
how to look busy
Read computer magazines & pick out all the jargon & new products.
Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses.
how to look busy
MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
.
Being busy with work and looking like it are two different things.
Master the art of looking busy. Read on...
how to look busy
Never walk without a document
People with documents look hardworking.
Those with nothing in their hands look like they're going to the cafeteria.
how to look busy
Carry loads of stuff home with you at night to show that you work longer hours than you really do.
how to look busy
If your boss catches you doing nothing official on the computer...
your best defense is to claim you're learning a new software to save money.
how to look busy
Messy desk
Build huge piles of documents around your workspace,
only top management can get away with a clean desk.
how to look busy
Screen all your calls through voice mail
If somebody leaves a message for pending work,
respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there.
how to look busy
Look impatient & annoyed to give the impression that you're always busy.
how to look busy
Always leave the office late,
especially when the boss is still around.
Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out.
how to look busy
Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm , 7:05am , etc.)
& during public holidays.
how to look busy
Creative sighing for effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around,
giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
how to look busy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table.
Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
how to look busy
Read computer magazines & pick out all the jargon & new products.
Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses.
how to look busy
MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
.
World's Tallest Tower - Burj Dubai
The the worlds newest tallest building is about to be completed, lookx amazing, should be safer than going to space to get a better view of earth
SPECIFICATIONS - BURJ DUBAI (DUBAI TOWER) AND DUBAI MALL, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES
Key Data Order year 2003
Construction start 2004
Project type Mall, residential and retail facilities and world's tallest skyscraper Location Dubai, United Arab Emirates
Estimated investment Dh800 million (mall, residential and retail facilities); Dh3.9 billion (tower)
Completion 2006 (mall); 2007 (tower) Retail
space 5 million square ft²
Shops >1,000 Car parking 16,000 spaces
Key Players Sponsor EMAAR Properties PJSC Lead contractors, designers, architects and engineers DC Architects PTE Limited, Skidmore, Owings and Merrill, Bauer Spezialtiefbau, Middle East Foundations, Turner Construction Corporation, Grocon, Lerch, Bates and Associates Incorporated
This image is from BBC comparing the biggest buildings
You can't say they don't have a vision.
Remarkably, the inspiration for the tower comes from - a flower.
The Hymenocallis is a plant widely cultivated in Dubai , India and around the region. It's harmonious structure is one of the organizing principles for the design.
The Foundation
Pokok Anda (Alah macam Bintang Anda - Libra, Pieces etc..etc..)
WHAT TREE DID YOU FALL FROM?
Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool and somewhat accurate. Then send it to your friends, including the one that sent it to you, so they can find out what tree they fell from.
Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 (only) - Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 (only) - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 (only) - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 (only) - Beech Tree
Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree
TREES (in alphabetical order)
Apple Tree (Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.
Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional support.
Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).
Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant,friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.
Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.
Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive, Well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.
Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to Gain knowledge, needs to be needed.
Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.
Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed, honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants to be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, sexually oriented, great sense of humor, has artistic talent and great intelligence.
Fir tree (Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste, handles stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them, hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable.
Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humor, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.
Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.
Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.
Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.
Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.
Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.
Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self esteem, needs affection and reassurance.
Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.
Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- Vivacous, full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, extremely passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.
Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.
Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.
Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool and somewhat accurate. Then send it to your friends, including the one that sent it to you, so they can find out what tree they fell from.
Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 (only) - Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 (only) - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 (only) - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 (only) - Beech Tree
Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree
TREES (in alphabetical order)
Apple Tree (Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.
Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional support.
Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).
Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant,friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.
Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.
Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive, Well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.
Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to Gain knowledge, needs to be needed.
Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.
Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed, honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants to be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, sexually oriented, great sense of humor, has artistic talent and great intelligence.
Fir tree (Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste, handles stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them, hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable.
Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humor, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.
Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.
Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.
Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.
Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.
Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.
Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self esteem, needs affection and reassurance.
Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.
Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- Vivacous, full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, extremely passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.
Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.
Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Puisi Untuk Bangsa Melayuku
Assalamualaikum
All Malays Rather Have Pleasure Than Pressure?
Di mana boleh cari ramai Melayu
Pastinya di Kelantan dan Terengganu
Dan juga di pasar malam dan pasar minggu
Di Akademi Fantasia dan Pesta Lagu
Di Jom Heboh orang Melayu berpusu-pusu
Di Sungai Buloh dan sebelum ini di Pudu
Dan di jalan, lumba haram tak buka lampu
Dan di selekoh duit rasuah depa sapu
Di pusat serenti akibat ketagih dadah dan candu
Di malam kemerdekaan dan malam tahun baru
Terkinja-kinja best giler menari macam hantu
Apa hobi orang Melayu?
Terkenal dengan budaya malas dan lesu
Berlepak buang masa tak jemu-jemu
Atau baca majalah Mastika cerita hantu
Tengok telenovela dari Filipina dan Peru
Sambil makan junk food kacang dan muruku
Mana tak gendut berpenyakit selalu
Kalau nak berlagak melayu nombor satu
Asal bergaya sanggup makan nasi dan tohu
Boleh tak jumpa mereka di kedai buku
Atau di perpustakaan dan majlis ilmu
Atau ambil kelas kemahiran di hujung minggu
Ada... tapi kurang sangat ke situ
Kenapa Melayu jadi begitu?
Nak salahkan sapa ibubapa atau guru
Pemimpin negara atau raja dulu-dulu
Ayat lazim di mulut ialah malas selalu
Nak harap kerajaan saja bantu
Terutama sekali kontraktor kelas satu
Tak habis-habis gaduh nak jatuh sapa dulu
Dan suka sangat dengan budaya mengampu
Sampai bila kita nak tunggu
Bangsa Melayu jadi bangsa termaju
Boleh! dengan beberapa syarat tertentu
Pertama dengan banyak menguasai ilmu
Kata nabi ikutlah al Quran dan sunnah ku
AlQuran yang diturunkan 1400 tahun dulu
tapi apakah yang kita tahu?
Cuma baca nak halau hantu
Wasallam
All Malays Rather Have Pleasure Than Pressure?
Di mana boleh cari ramai Melayu
Pastinya di Kelantan dan Terengganu
Dan juga di pasar malam dan pasar minggu
Di Akademi Fantasia dan Pesta Lagu
Di Jom Heboh orang Melayu berpusu-pusu
Di Sungai Buloh dan sebelum ini di Pudu
Dan di jalan, lumba haram tak buka lampu
Dan di selekoh duit rasuah depa sapu
Di pusat serenti akibat ketagih dadah dan candu
Di malam kemerdekaan dan malam tahun baru
Terkinja-kinja best giler menari macam hantu
Apa hobi orang Melayu?
Terkenal dengan budaya malas dan lesu
Berlepak buang masa tak jemu-jemu
Atau baca majalah Mastika cerita hantu
Tengok telenovela dari Filipina dan Peru
Sambil makan junk food kacang dan muruku
Mana tak gendut berpenyakit selalu
Kalau nak berlagak melayu nombor satu
Asal bergaya sanggup makan nasi dan tohu
Boleh tak jumpa mereka di kedai buku
Atau di perpustakaan dan majlis ilmu
Atau ambil kelas kemahiran di hujung minggu
Ada... tapi kurang sangat ke situ
Kenapa Melayu jadi begitu?
Nak salahkan sapa ibubapa atau guru
Pemimpin negara atau raja dulu-dulu
Ayat lazim di mulut ialah malas selalu
Nak harap kerajaan saja bantu
Terutama sekali kontraktor kelas satu
Tak habis-habis gaduh nak jatuh sapa dulu
Dan suka sangat dengan budaya mengampu
Sampai bila kita nak tunggu
Bangsa Melayu jadi bangsa termaju
Boleh! dengan beberapa syarat tertentu
Pertama dengan banyak menguasai ilmu
Kata nabi ikutlah al Quran dan sunnah ku
AlQuran yang diturunkan 1400 tahun dulu
tapi apakah yang kita tahu?
Cuma baca nak halau hantu
Wasallam
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Saddam Husein
MOQTADA AL-SADR WOULD HAVE BEEN AMONG THE EXECUTIONERS OF IRAQI PRESIDENT SADDAM HUSSEIN
LAPORAN DARI MEDIA SAUDI MENYATAKAN BAHAWA SALAH SEORANG ALGOJO(ORANG YANG MENJALANKAN HUKUMAN GANTUNG TERHADAP SADDAM HUSSEIN), ADALAH MOQTADA AL-SADR ULAMA RADIKAL SYIAH.
SALAH SEORANG SAKSI DARI PENGANUT SYIAH JUGA MENGESAHKAN KHABAR INI. SAKSI TERSEBUT BERKATA, MOQTADA HADIR BERSAMA PARA PENYOKONGNYA DAN MEMBAWA MASUK BEBERAPA PENYOKONG UNTUK MELIHAT PROSES PENGGANTUNGAN TERSEBUT.
SELEPAS MELIHAT KELIBAT SADDAM HUSSEIN MOQTADA TERUS KE BILIK BERSEBELAHAN UNTUK MEMAKAI TOPENG MUKA. SETERUSNYA MENGETUAI PARA ALGOJO LAIN UNTUK MEMBALAS DENDAM TERHADAP SADDAM HUSSEIN. KHABAR
INI ADA ASASNYA TA'KALA SADDAM TENANG MELAFAZ KALIMAH SYAHADAH, PARA PENYOKONG MOQTADA MENYAMPUK DENGAN MELAUNGKAN SELAWAT KE ATAS SAIDINA ALI SEBAGAI TANDA PROVOKASI TERHADAP SADDAM YANG HANYA MENUNGGU PINTU LANTAI DILEPASKAN.
JUGA SELEPAS ITU KEDENGARAN MEREKA MENCACI SADDAM SAMBIL SINGA ARAB ITU MEMBALAS KATA-KATA MEREKA. SEBELUM KHABAR INI DIDEDAHKAN, AKHBAR UTAMA DI-INDIA MENYATAKAN SADDAM SEPERTI MERENUNG TAJAM KEMATA ALGOJO YANG MEMBERI SEDIKIT PENERANGAN TERHADAPNYA SEOLAH DIA MENGENALI AKAN ALGOJO ITU.
GAMBAR-GAMBAR YANG DIPAPARKAN MUNGKIN DAPAT MENGUKUHKAN LAGI KHABAR INI. PADA PENULIS, MUNGKIN BENAR MOQTADA MELAKUKANNYA ATAU BARAT YANG SEMEMANGNYA MENJADI TULANG BELAKANG KES INI SENGAJA MEMASUKKAN UNSUR MOQTADA UNTUK HANYA MEMBURUKAN LAGI KETEGANGAN DI ANTARA SUNNAH DAN SYIAH.
WALAUBAGAIMANA PUN, BELUM ADA SEBARANG ULASAN PENAFIAN SAMADA DARI MOQTADA SENDIRI ATAU DARI WAKIL KERAJAAN IRAQ TENTANG PENDEDAHAN INI MALAH MEREKA(SYIAH) TERUS BERGEMBIRA DIJALAN-JALAN RAYA SEBAGAI TANDA KEMENANGAN.
Tips Hari Ini - Peti Sejuk
Panduan Memilih Peti Sejuk
Peti ais atau peti sejuk merupakan satu keperluan. Memilih peti sejuk perlulah mengambil kira, jumlah isi rumah, jangka masa simpanan barangan, fungsi-fungsi tambahan dan belanjawan pembelian. Menggantikan peti sejuk lama, boleh menjimatkan daripada segi penggunaan elektrik. Peti sejuk model terkini lebih menjimatkan elektrik berbanding model sebelum tahun 2002.
Hampir semua model peti sejuk kini lebih jimat tenaga elektrik berbanding dahulu. Semakin besar peti sejuk, semakin mahal harganya. Bertambah fungsi disertakan, semakin naik harga peti sejuk. Model peti sejuk dua pintu atau lebih, iaitu bahagian pembeku ais pintu diasingkan sama ada atas atau bawah, adalah lebih mahal berbanding model peti ais satu pintu. Peti ais daripada jenama yang dikenali adalah lebih mahal, tetapi jaminan dan ketahanan diketahui dan boleh dipercayai.Jika jumlah isi rumah seorang ke empat orang, peti sejuk bawah 300 liter adalah bersesuaian. Kebanyakan model dalam kategori ini adalah satu pintu dan biasanya dengan harga RM1000 kebawah. Fungsi tambahan jarang terdapat hanya fungsi asas menyejuk dan membeku sahaja.Jika sebuah keluarga membeli barangan mentah untuk simpanan seminggu, maka peti sejuk yang dicadangkan adalah sekitar 300 ke 350 liter.
Semakin bertambah besar isi padu semakin meningkat harganya. Harga bagi model 300 liter ke atas adalah diantara RM1000 hingga ke RM1500. Yang lebih mahal lagi dengan isi padu sebegini adalah kerana penambahan pelbagai fungsi.Dicadangkan bagi yang menyimpan barangan mentah untuk jangka masa seminggu, dapatkan peti ais dengan fungsi membunuh bakteria atau yang boleh menyimpan sayur-sayuran segar lama. Antara fungsi-fungsi tambahan adalah, kaca tidak mudah pecah, tahan tumpah, kaca ruang boleh keluar dan pelbagai. Peti sejuk dengan pintu keluli tahan karat, hanyalah penambahan harga dan gaya, tanpa kebaikan tambahan.Peti sejuk dua pintu, dikatakan dapat mengurangkan jumlah penggunaan tenaga elektrik. Oleh kerana ruang beku dipisahkan dengan ruang sejuk, maka ruang beku jarang dibuka dan akan tetap suhunya.
Dalam peti sejuk model satu pintu, suhu ruang beku akan sentiasa berubah yang diakibatkan oleh pintu sering dibuka dan ditutup. Ini menyebabkan peti sejuk akan lebih bekerja untuk menetapkan suhu dalam ruang beku.Bahagian getah sekeliling pintu peti sejuk adalah bahagian yang mula-mula akan haus. Cuba dapatkan peti sejuk dengan bahagian getah saiz yang lebar dan dapatkan nilaian ujian ketahanan getah ini. Jenama terkenal biasanya membuat nilaian ketahanan berapa jumlah bukaan pintu peti sejuk getah ini akan bertahan. Pilihlah peti sejuk yang pengeluarnya keluarkan jumlah ketahanan dalam dokumennya.Peti sejuk dengan "Defros" secara automatik adalah fungsi yang boleh dipertimbangkan. Malah ada model dengan selanggara minimun, seperti tidak perlu membuang air yang dicairkan, ia akan dikeringkan sendiri.
Fungsi-fungsi ini adalah penambahan, jika penambahan harga dalam belanjawan anda, maka ia boleh dipertimbangkan.Belilah peti sejuk yang bersesuaian dengan keperluan rumah. Fungsi-fungsi tambahan nampak canggih tetapi membuat harga peti sejuk lagi mahal. Fungsi membasmi bakteria dan kekal segar antara fungsi yang boleh dipertimbangkan sekiranya mampu untuk bayar lebih. Pastikan saiz peti sejuk bersesuaian dengan ruang rumah yang akan diletakkan peti sejuk
Peti ais atau peti sejuk merupakan satu keperluan. Memilih peti sejuk perlulah mengambil kira, jumlah isi rumah, jangka masa simpanan barangan, fungsi-fungsi tambahan dan belanjawan pembelian. Menggantikan peti sejuk lama, boleh menjimatkan daripada segi penggunaan elektrik. Peti sejuk model terkini lebih menjimatkan elektrik berbanding model sebelum tahun 2002.
Hampir semua model peti sejuk kini lebih jimat tenaga elektrik berbanding dahulu. Semakin besar peti sejuk, semakin mahal harganya. Bertambah fungsi disertakan, semakin naik harga peti sejuk. Model peti sejuk dua pintu atau lebih, iaitu bahagian pembeku ais pintu diasingkan sama ada atas atau bawah, adalah lebih mahal berbanding model peti ais satu pintu. Peti ais daripada jenama yang dikenali adalah lebih mahal, tetapi jaminan dan ketahanan diketahui dan boleh dipercayai.Jika jumlah isi rumah seorang ke empat orang, peti sejuk bawah 300 liter adalah bersesuaian. Kebanyakan model dalam kategori ini adalah satu pintu dan biasanya dengan harga RM1000 kebawah. Fungsi tambahan jarang terdapat hanya fungsi asas menyejuk dan membeku sahaja.Jika sebuah keluarga membeli barangan mentah untuk simpanan seminggu, maka peti sejuk yang dicadangkan adalah sekitar 300 ke 350 liter.
Semakin bertambah besar isi padu semakin meningkat harganya. Harga bagi model 300 liter ke atas adalah diantara RM1000 hingga ke RM1500. Yang lebih mahal lagi dengan isi padu sebegini adalah kerana penambahan pelbagai fungsi.Dicadangkan bagi yang menyimpan barangan mentah untuk jangka masa seminggu, dapatkan peti ais dengan fungsi membunuh bakteria atau yang boleh menyimpan sayur-sayuran segar lama. Antara fungsi-fungsi tambahan adalah, kaca tidak mudah pecah, tahan tumpah, kaca ruang boleh keluar dan pelbagai. Peti sejuk dengan pintu keluli tahan karat, hanyalah penambahan harga dan gaya, tanpa kebaikan tambahan.Peti sejuk dua pintu, dikatakan dapat mengurangkan jumlah penggunaan tenaga elektrik. Oleh kerana ruang beku dipisahkan dengan ruang sejuk, maka ruang beku jarang dibuka dan akan tetap suhunya.
Dalam peti sejuk model satu pintu, suhu ruang beku akan sentiasa berubah yang diakibatkan oleh pintu sering dibuka dan ditutup. Ini menyebabkan peti sejuk akan lebih bekerja untuk menetapkan suhu dalam ruang beku.Bahagian getah sekeliling pintu peti sejuk adalah bahagian yang mula-mula akan haus. Cuba dapatkan peti sejuk dengan bahagian getah saiz yang lebar dan dapatkan nilaian ujian ketahanan getah ini. Jenama terkenal biasanya membuat nilaian ketahanan berapa jumlah bukaan pintu peti sejuk getah ini akan bertahan. Pilihlah peti sejuk yang pengeluarnya keluarkan jumlah ketahanan dalam dokumennya.Peti sejuk dengan "Defros" secara automatik adalah fungsi yang boleh dipertimbangkan. Malah ada model dengan selanggara minimun, seperti tidak perlu membuang air yang dicairkan, ia akan dikeringkan sendiri.
Fungsi-fungsi ini adalah penambahan, jika penambahan harga dalam belanjawan anda, maka ia boleh dipertimbangkan.Belilah peti sejuk yang bersesuaian dengan keperluan rumah. Fungsi-fungsi tambahan nampak canggih tetapi membuat harga peti sejuk lagi mahal. Fungsi membasmi bakteria dan kekal segar antara fungsi yang boleh dipertimbangkan sekiranya mampu untuk bayar lebih. Pastikan saiz peti sejuk bersesuaian dengan ruang rumah yang akan diletakkan peti sejuk
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Tazkirah Hari Ini
"10 AMALAN YANG TERBALIK" ...bukan terbaik.
Marilah kita bermuhasabah atau menilai dan menghitung kembali tentang amalan harian kita. Kadang-kadang kita akan dapati amalan kita adalah terbalik atau bertentangan dari apa yang patut dilakukan dan dituntut oleh Islam. Mungkin kita tidak sedar atau telah dilalaikan atau terikut-ikut dengan budaya hidup orang lain. Perhatikan apa yang dipaparkan dibawah sebagai contoh amalan yang terbalik:-
1. Amalan kenduri arwah beberapa malam yang dilakukan oleh keluarga simati selepas sesuatu kematian (malam pertama, kedua, ketiga, ketujuh dan seterusnya) adalah terbalik dari apa yang dianjurkan oleh Rasulullah di mana Rasulullah telah menganjurkan jiran tetangga memasak makanan untuk keluarga simati untuk meringankan kesusahan dan kesedihan mereka. Keluarga tersebut telah ditimpa kesedihan, terpaksa pula menyedia makanan dan belanja untuk mereka yang datang membaca tahlil. Tidakkah mereka yang hadir makan kenduri tersebut khuatir kalau-kalau mereka termakan harta anak yatim yang ditinggalkan oleh simati atau harta peninggalan simati yang belum dibahagikan kepada yang berhak menurut Islam?
2. Kalau hadir ke kenduri walimatul urus (kenduri kahwin) orang kerap salam berisi (hadiah wang yang diberi semasa bersalam). Kalau tak ada duit nak dikepit dalam tangan, maka segan ia nak pergi makan kenduri. Tetapi kalau ia menziarah orang mati, tidak segan pula salam tak berisi. Sepatutnya kalau menziarah keluarga si matilah kita patut memberi sedekah. Kalau ke kenduri kahwin, tak bagi pun tak apa kerana tuan rumah panggil untuk diberi makan bukan untuk ia menambah pendapatan.
3. Ketika menghadiri majlis pemimpin negara kita berpakaian cantik kemas dan segak tetapi bila mengadap Allah baik di rumah maupun di masjid, pakaian lebih kurang saja bahkan ada yang tak berbaju. Tidakkah ini suatu perbuatan yang terbalik.
4. Kalau menjadi tetamu di rumah orang dan di beri jamuan, kita rasa segan nak makan sampai habis apa yang dihidangkan kerana rasa segan dan malu, sedangkan yang dituntut dibanyakkan makan dan dihabiskan apa yang dihidang supaya tuan rumah rasa gembira dan tidak membazir.
5. Kalau bersolat sunat di masjid amat rajin, tapi kalau di rumah, sangat malas. Sedangkan sebaik-baiknya solat sunat banyak dilakukan di rumah seperti yang dianjurkan oleh Rasulullah untuk mengelakkan rasa riak.
6. Bulan puasa adalah bulan mendidik nafsu termasuk nafsu makan yang berlebihan tetapi kebanyakan orang mengaku bahawa dalam carta perbelanjaan setiap rumah orang Islam akan kita dapati perbelanjaan di bulan puasa adalah yang tertinggi dalam setahun. Sedangkan sepatutnya perbelanjaan di bulan puasa yang terendah. Bukankah terbalik amalan kita?
7. Kalau nak mengerjakan haji, kebanyakan orang akan membuat kenduri sebelum bertolak ke Mekah dan apabila balik dari Mekah tak buat kenduri pun. Anjuran berkenduri dalam Islam antaranya ialah kerana selamat dari bermusafir, maka dibuat kenduri, bukan kerana nak bermusafir, maka dibuat kenduri. Bukankah amalan ini terbalik? Atau kita mempunyai tujuan lain.
8. Semua ibubapa amat bimbang kalau-kalau anak mereka gagal dalam periksa. Maka dihantarlah ke kelas tuisyen walau pun banyak belanjanya. Tapi kalau anak tak boleh baca Quran atau solat, tak bimbang pula bahkan tak mahu hantar tuisyen baca Quran atau kelas khas mempelajari Islam. Kalau guru tuisyen sanggup dibayar sebulan RM20.00 satu pelajaran 8 kali hadir tapi kepada Tok Guru Quran nak bayar RM15.00 sebulan 20 kali hadir belajar pun menggeletar tangan. Bukankah terbalik amalan kita? Kita sepatutnya lebih berbimbang jika anak tidak dapat baca Al Quran atau bersolat dari tidak lulus periksa.
9. Kalau bekerja mengejar rezeki Allah tak kira siang malam, pagi petang, mesti pergi kerja. Hujan atau ribut tetap diharungi kerana hendak mematuhi peraturan kerja. Tapi ke rumah Allah (masjid) tak hujan, tak panas, tak ribut pun tetap tak datang ke masjid. Sungguh tak malu manusia begini, rezeki Allah diminta tapi nak ke rumahNya segan dan malas.
10. Seorang isteri kalau nak keluar rumah samada dengan suami atau tidak, bukan main lagi berhias. Tetapi kalau duduk di rumah, masyaAllah.
Sedangkan yang dituntut seorang isteri itu berhias untuk suaminya, bukan berhias untuk orang lain. Perbuatan amalan yang terbalik ini membuatkan rumahtangga kurang bahagia.
Cukup dengan contoh-contoh di atas. Marilah kita berlapang dada menerima hakikat sebenarnya. Marilah kita beralih kepada kebenaran agar hidup kita menurut landasan dan ajaran Islam yang sebenar bukan yang digubah mengikut selera kita.
Allah yang mencipta kita maka biarlah Allah yang menentukan peraturan hidup kita.
Sabda Rasullullah SAW: "Sampaikanlah dariku walaupun satu ayat." (Riwayat Bukhari)
Marilah kita bermuhasabah atau menilai dan menghitung kembali tentang amalan harian kita. Kadang-kadang kita akan dapati amalan kita adalah terbalik atau bertentangan dari apa yang patut dilakukan dan dituntut oleh Islam. Mungkin kita tidak sedar atau telah dilalaikan atau terikut-ikut dengan budaya hidup orang lain. Perhatikan apa yang dipaparkan dibawah sebagai contoh amalan yang terbalik:-
1. Amalan kenduri arwah beberapa malam yang dilakukan oleh keluarga simati selepas sesuatu kematian (malam pertama, kedua, ketiga, ketujuh dan seterusnya) adalah terbalik dari apa yang dianjurkan oleh Rasulullah di mana Rasulullah telah menganjurkan jiran tetangga memasak makanan untuk keluarga simati untuk meringankan kesusahan dan kesedihan mereka. Keluarga tersebut telah ditimpa kesedihan, terpaksa pula menyedia makanan dan belanja untuk mereka yang datang membaca tahlil. Tidakkah mereka yang hadir makan kenduri tersebut khuatir kalau-kalau mereka termakan harta anak yatim yang ditinggalkan oleh simati atau harta peninggalan simati yang belum dibahagikan kepada yang berhak menurut Islam?
2. Kalau hadir ke kenduri walimatul urus (kenduri kahwin) orang kerap salam berisi (hadiah wang yang diberi semasa bersalam). Kalau tak ada duit nak dikepit dalam tangan, maka segan ia nak pergi makan kenduri. Tetapi kalau ia menziarah orang mati, tidak segan pula salam tak berisi. Sepatutnya kalau menziarah keluarga si matilah kita patut memberi sedekah. Kalau ke kenduri kahwin, tak bagi pun tak apa kerana tuan rumah panggil untuk diberi makan bukan untuk ia menambah pendapatan.
3. Ketika menghadiri majlis pemimpin negara kita berpakaian cantik kemas dan segak tetapi bila mengadap Allah baik di rumah maupun di masjid, pakaian lebih kurang saja bahkan ada yang tak berbaju. Tidakkah ini suatu perbuatan yang terbalik.
4. Kalau menjadi tetamu di rumah orang dan di beri jamuan, kita rasa segan nak makan sampai habis apa yang dihidangkan kerana rasa segan dan malu, sedangkan yang dituntut dibanyakkan makan dan dihabiskan apa yang dihidang supaya tuan rumah rasa gembira dan tidak membazir.
5. Kalau bersolat sunat di masjid amat rajin, tapi kalau di rumah, sangat malas. Sedangkan sebaik-baiknya solat sunat banyak dilakukan di rumah seperti yang dianjurkan oleh Rasulullah untuk mengelakkan rasa riak.
6. Bulan puasa adalah bulan mendidik nafsu termasuk nafsu makan yang berlebihan tetapi kebanyakan orang mengaku bahawa dalam carta perbelanjaan setiap rumah orang Islam akan kita dapati perbelanjaan di bulan puasa adalah yang tertinggi dalam setahun. Sedangkan sepatutnya perbelanjaan di bulan puasa yang terendah. Bukankah terbalik amalan kita?
7. Kalau nak mengerjakan haji, kebanyakan orang akan membuat kenduri sebelum bertolak ke Mekah dan apabila balik dari Mekah tak buat kenduri pun. Anjuran berkenduri dalam Islam antaranya ialah kerana selamat dari bermusafir, maka dibuat kenduri, bukan kerana nak bermusafir, maka dibuat kenduri. Bukankah amalan ini terbalik? Atau kita mempunyai tujuan lain.
8. Semua ibubapa amat bimbang kalau-kalau anak mereka gagal dalam periksa. Maka dihantarlah ke kelas tuisyen walau pun banyak belanjanya. Tapi kalau anak tak boleh baca Quran atau solat, tak bimbang pula bahkan tak mahu hantar tuisyen baca Quran atau kelas khas mempelajari Islam. Kalau guru tuisyen sanggup dibayar sebulan RM20.00 satu pelajaran 8 kali hadir tapi kepada Tok Guru Quran nak bayar RM15.00 sebulan 20 kali hadir belajar pun menggeletar tangan. Bukankah terbalik amalan kita? Kita sepatutnya lebih berbimbang jika anak tidak dapat baca Al Quran atau bersolat dari tidak lulus periksa.
9. Kalau bekerja mengejar rezeki Allah tak kira siang malam, pagi petang, mesti pergi kerja. Hujan atau ribut tetap diharungi kerana hendak mematuhi peraturan kerja. Tapi ke rumah Allah (masjid) tak hujan, tak panas, tak ribut pun tetap tak datang ke masjid. Sungguh tak malu manusia begini, rezeki Allah diminta tapi nak ke rumahNya segan dan malas.
10. Seorang isteri kalau nak keluar rumah samada dengan suami atau tidak, bukan main lagi berhias. Tetapi kalau duduk di rumah, masyaAllah.
Sedangkan yang dituntut seorang isteri itu berhias untuk suaminya, bukan berhias untuk orang lain. Perbuatan amalan yang terbalik ini membuatkan rumahtangga kurang bahagia.
Cukup dengan contoh-contoh di atas. Marilah kita berlapang dada menerima hakikat sebenarnya. Marilah kita beralih kepada kebenaran agar hidup kita menurut landasan dan ajaran Islam yang sebenar bukan yang digubah mengikut selera kita.
Allah yang mencipta kita maka biarlah Allah yang menentukan peraturan hidup kita.
Sabda Rasullullah SAW: "Sampaikanlah dariku walaupun satu ayat." (Riwayat Bukhari)
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Jimat Penggunaan Minyak Kereta
Harga minyak sentiasa naik. Malah dalam keadaan sekarang harga minyak tidak mudah untuk turun. Kereta, motor dan kenderaan lain kini merupakan satu keperluan. Perbelanjaan minyak merupakan sebahagian besar dalam bajet individu. Bila harga minyak naik ia akan membebankan pengguna.
Berikut merupakan petua atau nasihat mengenai penjimatan minyak. Sama ada berkesan atau tidak adalah bergantung pada individu. Isi minyak sebelah malam, apabila cuaca sudah sejuk. Dikatakan isi minyak pada waktu malam, kurang gas dalam petrol atau diesel. Kandungan gas dikatakan banyak pada waktu siang yang panas, di mana setiap liter yang di isi pengguna akan rugi sebab haba petrol bercampur lebihan gas dalam kandungannya. Benar atau tidak berdasarkan pengalaman sendiri.
Memang benar. Ada perbezaannya.
Penggunaan petrol lebih lama bertahan jika di isi pada waktu malam. Isikan minyak sehingga tangki penuh. Minyak atau petrol cepat habis jika ruang tangki banyak yang kosong. Benarnya tips ini memang ada. Minyak atau petrol akan meruap. Semakin besar ruang semakin banyak minyak atau petrol meruap. Petrol yang meruap tidak dapat dibakar oleh enjin. Dicadangkan juga penuhkan semula tangki apabila tangki separuh kosong.
Jangan tunggu sehingga meter pada tanda “E” baru diisi. Semakin banyak ruang kosong semakin banyak petrol meruap, maka lebih cepat habis. Bawa kereta dalam kelajuan yang tetap. Tidak terlalu laju dan tidak terlalu perlahan. 70 – 90 km sejam adalah bersesuaian. Pastikan anda mematuhi had laju dan pandu pada lorong yang sesuai. Semakin laju kereta, semakin minyak digunakan.
Pandu secara perlahan pula menyebabkan beban pada kereta. Ini menyebabkan enjin tertekan dan menyebabkan banyak minyak digunakan. Patuhi jadual penyelenggaraan kereta atau kenderaan anda. Enjin yang diselenggara akan berfungsi dengan baik dan lebih berkesan. Pada jangka masa yang tetap, gunakan bahan rawatan petrol. Ini bertujuan untuk cucian pada injap minyak agar tidak tersumbat. Pastikan penapis petrol diperiksa atau ditukarkan apabila perlu. Angin tayar perlu sentiasa pada tahap tekanan yang disyorkan pada model kereta dan jenis tayar yang digunakan.
Seminggu sekali periksa tekanan tayar. Penjagaan tayar yang baik memastikan cengkaman tayar yang sesuai dan pada jumlah jarak yang jauh nyata menjimatkan minyak. Kerata sesuai untuk perjalanan yang jauh. Jika tempat yang dituju boleh berjalan kaki atau berbasikal, adalah baik melakukannya. Banyak minyak boleh dijimatkan tetapi keselamatan penting jika jalan dilalui gelap, sunyi dan diragui keselamatannya adalah lebih baik bawa kereta.
Jika boleh kurangkan penggunaan penghawa dingin. Perjalanan pagi atau malam yang sejuk tidak perlu penghawa dingin. Buka tingkap sedikit dan biarkan angin luar masuk. Awas jangan buka tingkap terlalu luas sehingga tangan dari luar boleh mencapain ke dalam dengan mudah. Kurangkan beban kereta. Barang-barang yang tidak perlu dalam kereta perlu dikeluarkan. Semakin banyak beban semakin banyak tenaga dan minyak digunakan. Diharap tips dan nasihat ini boleh membantu dalam menjimat penggunaan petrol kenderaan anda
Berikut merupakan petua atau nasihat mengenai penjimatan minyak. Sama ada berkesan atau tidak adalah bergantung pada individu. Isi minyak sebelah malam, apabila cuaca sudah sejuk. Dikatakan isi minyak pada waktu malam, kurang gas dalam petrol atau diesel. Kandungan gas dikatakan banyak pada waktu siang yang panas, di mana setiap liter yang di isi pengguna akan rugi sebab haba petrol bercampur lebihan gas dalam kandungannya. Benar atau tidak berdasarkan pengalaman sendiri.
Memang benar. Ada perbezaannya.
Penggunaan petrol lebih lama bertahan jika di isi pada waktu malam. Isikan minyak sehingga tangki penuh. Minyak atau petrol cepat habis jika ruang tangki banyak yang kosong. Benarnya tips ini memang ada. Minyak atau petrol akan meruap. Semakin besar ruang semakin banyak minyak atau petrol meruap. Petrol yang meruap tidak dapat dibakar oleh enjin. Dicadangkan juga penuhkan semula tangki apabila tangki separuh kosong.
Jangan tunggu sehingga meter pada tanda “E” baru diisi. Semakin banyak ruang kosong semakin banyak petrol meruap, maka lebih cepat habis. Bawa kereta dalam kelajuan yang tetap. Tidak terlalu laju dan tidak terlalu perlahan. 70 – 90 km sejam adalah bersesuaian. Pastikan anda mematuhi had laju dan pandu pada lorong yang sesuai. Semakin laju kereta, semakin minyak digunakan.
Pandu secara perlahan pula menyebabkan beban pada kereta. Ini menyebabkan enjin tertekan dan menyebabkan banyak minyak digunakan. Patuhi jadual penyelenggaraan kereta atau kenderaan anda. Enjin yang diselenggara akan berfungsi dengan baik dan lebih berkesan. Pada jangka masa yang tetap, gunakan bahan rawatan petrol. Ini bertujuan untuk cucian pada injap minyak agar tidak tersumbat. Pastikan penapis petrol diperiksa atau ditukarkan apabila perlu. Angin tayar perlu sentiasa pada tahap tekanan yang disyorkan pada model kereta dan jenis tayar yang digunakan.
Seminggu sekali periksa tekanan tayar. Penjagaan tayar yang baik memastikan cengkaman tayar yang sesuai dan pada jumlah jarak yang jauh nyata menjimatkan minyak. Kerata sesuai untuk perjalanan yang jauh. Jika tempat yang dituju boleh berjalan kaki atau berbasikal, adalah baik melakukannya. Banyak minyak boleh dijimatkan tetapi keselamatan penting jika jalan dilalui gelap, sunyi dan diragui keselamatannya adalah lebih baik bawa kereta.
Jika boleh kurangkan penggunaan penghawa dingin. Perjalanan pagi atau malam yang sejuk tidak perlu penghawa dingin. Buka tingkap sedikit dan biarkan angin luar masuk. Awas jangan buka tingkap terlalu luas sehingga tangan dari luar boleh mencapain ke dalam dengan mudah. Kurangkan beban kereta. Barang-barang yang tidak perlu dalam kereta perlu dikeluarkan. Semakin banyak beban semakin banyak tenaga dan minyak digunakan. Diharap tips dan nasihat ini boleh membantu dalam menjimat penggunaan petrol kenderaan anda
